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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28180191">love shouldn't hurt.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/demispencie/pseuds/demispencie'>demispencie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abandonment, Abuse, Angst, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Child Abandonment, Disturbing Themes, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Spencer Reid, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, No Happy Ending Fest, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape, References to Drugs, Sad Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, Sexual Assault, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:47:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,934</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28180191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/demispencie/pseuds/demispencie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>spencer makes excuses , until he can't anymore.</p><p>( or , spencer realizes love shouldn't hurt. )</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>love shouldn't hurt.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING THIS — i tried to add as much tags as possible , even if it seemed a little heavy because i wanted to make sure i didn't miss anything that would potentially trigger anyone . </p><p>i added mostly real events , but there are also some original scenes i wrote , sort of as an outlet for my own struggles . again  , please be careful !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the first time it happens , spencer barely registers it.</p><p>it's a quick slap . his mother , confused and scared , unsure of her surroundings.</p><p>he doesn't say anything of course — saying something might upset her , and he doesn't want her to be in more pain than she already is in.</p><p>it happens a lot after that , time after time . it happens to his arms and wrists now ; her grabbing a little too hard , or beating his hand away when he tries to help her with her medication. spencer continues to dismiss it — it's his mother , after all . he knows it's her disease , and that she can't control it . he knows that she would never hurt him on purpose , and that's good enough for him. </p><p>one of the last times it happens , its to his face , and it leaves a mark . he thinks nothing of it — no one pays attention to him , at least no one observant . he can play it off as a scar from getting picked on .</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>" spencer , who gave you that mark on your face ? " his teacher asks softly. he's been quietly rubbing at the mark all class , so she knows something had happened.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" t—this ? " spencer says , stuttering. the teacher nods , hoping to get truthful response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" oh ... i— i got into a fight with amanda. " spencer whispers , already regretting the lie.</em>
</p><p><em>" amanda ? " she says , qurking an eyebrow. " amanda , the only person who talks to you during class ? spencer , i don't think so . " she says , frowning . spencer just stares at the ground , not knowing what to say next.</em> </p><p>
  <em>" look , spencer i know that you like to do things on your own. but if someone is hurting you , whether it be here or off campus , i have to say something . "  she says softly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" it's just my mom , " spencer says . " she's getting worse , but it's not her fault . " spencer says , sighing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" i think it might be time maybe you try considering another option , " his teacher says softly , giving him a knowing look. spencer just nods lightly and she gives him a can of soda to use as a makeshift icepack until he can get home.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they take her away that day . the screams of his mother haunt him , but he keeps telling himself , <em>it's for the best , it's for the best . </em></p><p>spencer moves on after that , blocking the memory from his mind . he continues to learn , and visits his mother once he learns she's stable . she doesn't remember much , just that he always had so many scars , and she's proud of who he is .</p><p>he doesn't correct her when she calls him clumsy — it's not like she's wrong , right ? telling her the truth is never an option in spencer's mind , so he just smiles and nods , wishing he knew how to fix it all.</p><p>it's quiet in his apartment . no father , not since he was a kid , and his mom ... well there was no way she'd be coming back soon . it was all very lonely to him . so spencer decides to pursue comfort in something else .</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>he meets gabriel at the library . smart guy , surprisingly bigger than spencer , giving he's only a year older . he wears glasses exactly like spencer , and it's the first thing he comments on when they meet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>gabriel was oh-so charming . his voice like silk , his hair messy , but in that cute boyish way . he was into magic too , and was getting ready to get into business .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>they date for a couple of months . everything seems to be kept a secret , but spencer sees nothing wrong with it . he's mostly closeted after all , who is he to judge his boyfriend for being in the same place ?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>but then he smells perfume in his room when gabriel slips in at night , and red smudges on t-shirts that didn't even look like his own. spencer of course , ignores it . gabriel is the first person to stay , why mess with it ! it's not a big deal ... are things even official ?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>he catches gabriel with a girl the night of their 6 months. clothes are trailed from the door , and he can hear the girl's high pitched whines and creaks of the bed. he simply grabs what he can and shows himself out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> gabriel tries calling the next few days , and it's only a matter of weeks when he finally finds spencer . he doesn't say anything , just shoves the smaller man against the door and beats him . spencer claws at him , trying to stop the flurry of punches , but soon gives up , letting the man do as he pleases .</em>
</p><p><em>spencer lets himself disassociate — he doesn't need to be present for this , right ? he feels nails clawing at his face , his stomach being kicked in . spencer doesn't even hear the yelling until it's over . gabriel slams</em> <em>the door behind him , and spencer passes out .</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>spencer keeps to himself for a while after that . he avoids his mother , not wanting her to see his scars and give her more to worry about . he has enough to worry about already , right ? if he wants to work for the BAU , he has to focus on gaining the knowledge he needs to be an asset to the team .</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>but then he meets caithlynn . oh , she's so sweet and beautiful , maybe the most beautiful girl he's ever seen in his life . she's essentially flawless , in the most impossible way . perfect proportions , a voice like honey , and eyes that sparkle more than diamonds . and spencer , oh spencer falls hard . he tends to her every need . spending money he doesn't have on jewelry and trinkets she doesn't need , spending hours picking out books for her she never reads . he ignores the looks from her friends , practically oblivious to her the unmistakable manipulation she clearly displays . he's going to become a profiler soon , so he knows he's right about her being perfect ... right ? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>" spencer , you looked so cute skinny. " caithlynn says sweetly one night . spencer blushes , taking it as a compliment . caithlynn rolls her eyes when he looks back down at his food , and sighs . " i mean that you should stay that way ." she says a little more forcefully , slightly tugging at his plate . spencer looks up at her , stunned . he was skinny , right ? he was smaller than most men ,  and could still fit into adolescent sized clothes . he's tempted to argue with her , defend himself , but she flutters her lashes and looks at him with wide eyes , that if he's honest , make him melt . so spencer just nods in agreement , pushing his dish aside and kissing her softly . he ignores that she doesn't kiss him back .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>spencer loses more and more weight , to a point where he's sure he's gained more health issues than he already had to begin with . but it makes caithlynn happy , so he just does his best to 'nourish' himself on days when he sees her less . but of course , she's hardly ever not around , so those times are rare . she controls when he eats — if he does . she controls who he talks to — including his mom . and often when he's trying to work , she makes advances he doesn't particularly like.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>she's digging her nails into his arms , and spencer doesn't think he's felt more uncomfortable in his entire life.<br/></em>
</p><p>
  <em>" spence , come on . " caithlynn says , grinding against him . spencer feels scared — he's never really been touched like this before and it makes him uncomfortable. she's grabbing his hands , placing them in places they don't want to go , and she's whimpering in his ear without hesitation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" i — i'm not really ready for something like this caithlynn , " spencer says , pushing her off . caithlynn resists , pushing him harder against his chair . she's practically suffocating him now — he doesn't want this at all .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" please , caithlynn , no ." spencer says weakly , pushing her hands off of him , shaking his head . he doesn't want this , he doesn't want this , he doesn't want this .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" do you not love me ? " caithlynn says in a soft voice , frowning . spencer's heart drops to his stomach and he immediately regrets his words.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" n — no i do love you ! i just , this isn't something i — i'm ready for . "  spencer says , his words weak . caithlynn just smiles to herself , continuing strip him of his clothing .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>" i promise you'll enjoy this ." she says , smirking .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>spencer doesn't enjoy it .</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>caithlynn leaves him shortly after he joins the BAU <em>— </em>he's just a distraction , after all . spencer's hurt for a bit , but he learns to compartmentalize it just like everything else .</p><p>spencer begins to make a family out of the fellow agents . penelope , jj , and morgan all welcome him with open arms and he eventually begins to return to himself . eating more , and caring a little less about what his team thinks . of course , he still keeps his walls up <em>— </em>can't let anyone in , right ? he wants to pursue jj , but he remembers what happened with caithlynn , and decides against it.</p><p> </p><p>the years go by , and things begin to pile up . flashbacks to gabriel as hotch beats him during a case , feeling out of control as tobias drugs him , his addiction , gideon leaving . he thinks it's all he can handle , but he's determined to get through it for his mom . she's not getting better , but there's no reason to give up the little hope he has left , right ? but then emily calls him out on his problem , he gets hit with anthrax , and emily and him get kidnapped and she gets beat . then he gets shot in the leg , he's hit with painful headaches , emily dies , but then she's back ? jj lies to him for weeks , he considers going back to drugs , he begins to question his life and his choices.</p><p>it's then when spencer meets maeve , and it's the worse thing to happen to him when her life ends right in front of him . he's haunted with nightmares , misses maeve deeply , but he can handle it right ? spencer's strong.</p><p>he's never been so wrong .</p><p> </p><p>cat adams reminds him of caithlynn a bit . he has a type , doesn't he ? oh , and morgan leaves , his mother is getting worse , and then he's framed for murder . then raped by lindsey , antagonized by cat again , and hotch leaves . then emily's in danger again , then jj confesses her love ?</p><p>spencer doesn't think he can handle more of this.</p><p> </p><p>jj gets shot , they make up , he meets max ! spencer tries to restore a broken normalcy , but cat enters again . cat is given the death penalty , then he hallucinates maeve after collapsing , and suddenly garcia is leaving .</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i can handle this , i can handle this , i can handle this .</em>
</p><p> </p><p>his life continues , and he continues to compartmentalize . he tells his therapist he's fine , he needs to keep his job right ?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i can handle this , i can handle this , i can handle this .</em>
</p><p> </p><p>things don't work out with max . he focuses on his work again . he has time , right ?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i can handle this , i can handle this , i can handle this .</em>
</p><p> </p><p>but then he loses his mom . and rossi retires , he sees less of the team , his attempts at relationships don't fare much better.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i can handle this , i can handle this , i can handle this .</em>
</p><p> </p><p>spencer tries to convince himself things will change . life shouldn't be this painful , right ? he's tried everything he's learned , he's done everything he can , and it <em>never</em> gets better . he grew up with so much love for his mother , he told himself that people deserve to be loved in the right way , that there shouldn't be <strong>this much pain</strong>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i can't handle this.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>it's his 40th birthday when spencer puts the gun in his mouth , and everything goes black .</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hope i covered all my bases warning wise , and i hope this made sense — this has been in the works for a long time , so feel free to call me out on mistakes or plotlines i missed . i love you all , PLEASE STAY SAFE !</p><p>— @reidsjcreau on instagram &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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